Forgiveness and Healing Part 1
Not quite sure how I am feeling right now…I have so many emotions going on that I don’t know how to distinguish between any of them…I feel lost, every time I feel that I got this, that I can do this, that I can get through this, something happens…I have so much self doubt that it leaves no room for motivation…I’m tried…I feel like a failure everyday…I feel like my life has turned into a bunch of excuses, bad timings and late arrivals…How is it possible to have confidence and self doubt all at the same time…I can say I haven’t given up I may have slowed down but not given up…I love to write, I love to express how I feel with words, express it in a way that someone else who does not have the words, understands and know that there is someone out there who knows how they feel and give them the strength and or words they need to express how they feel…words, a pen, a pencil and a piece of paper are my refuge and I lost some of that when my mom past away… Two years has passed since my mother died and 8 months since my sister has passed. It has been a little over 3yrs since I have written and or posted…I lost my words… I only had enough to get by to function but not to create I mean really create…I didn’t know how to express myself because I had so many emotions bottled up inside of me for so many years…and still do…but I’m starting to find it easier at times to write…be it a sentence, or a random thought…I’m trying to figure out how do I get back to the beginning…back to the place where I had confidence within myself to do anything that I set my mind to…I don’t know if that person even exist and if that is the case how do I achieve that now?
My mother died on 12/24/2012 which was also my 34th birthday and my sister died a year and 5months later…I’m going to try and be as transparent as I can possibly can. So I decided for my come back blog to talk about forgiveness and healing… In order to heal one has to forgive you cannot have one without the other it is just about impossible. You can move on and or past something without forgiveness but you cannot truly heal without it…
They say healing first starts with forgiveness of self,
which means you have to get to the root of the matter…have to find out the why…and
when you find out the why…forgive yourself for allowing it to get to a place
that it has festered and eating you up to where you are bitter, resentful and
self annihilating…forgiving oneself is not the easiest thing to do…because you
have so much pain that is piled on top of pain on top of pain…and you have to
go through the layers of pain first to forgive yourself…I had to forgive myself
when my mother past away…I felt a lot of guilt, I had a whole lot of thoughts
go through my head that went all they way back to when I first started taking
care of her…but the one that haunted me the most was…If I would have taken her
to the hospital when I first noticed her breathing was off instead of waiting until
Monday morning when the nurse comes would she be alive today…
at times this
thought still permeates my mind…but I have to remind myself that I did everything
I could do…I called the on-call nurse she told me what to give her to even out
her breathing and it worked so I did what I was suppose to do…I did everything
I could do…once I got past that I was one step closer to healing…but then I had
to go deeper…I had to move to the next layer…I had to forgive my mother… growing
up I had always felt I didn’t belong, unwanted and at times unloved… there
were people in my life who showed me love, like my God Parents and then her
Sister when they moved away and then I moved away…but it wasn’t enough to
ensure that I really was loved…
I was left all alone with no sense of being loved…in my mid 20’s my mother told me the story of how she found out she was pregnant with me, it wasn’t one of those happy joy, joy stories…my mother was not happy when she found out and she tried on several occasions to get rid of me to unveil… My relationship with my mother and my sister were both awkward, strange and strained …now at this point in my life I was a total mess and this story just made it worse…I was already trying to figure out who I was and what I was going to do with myself and my life…but it also explained why I’ve always had this feeling of not belonging and being alone…at this juncture in my life I was seeking out what I felt I was missing which was love…I looked for love in all the wrong people, places and things…to the point where it was almost destructive and all it did was make me feel even more insecure and unloved…my mother wasn’t the most affectionate person and it wasn’t until she was sick that she said that she loved me (at least that I can remember)…So as I’m trying to go through the grieving process I came upon anger and at the time I knew why but I didn’t know why and then it hit me…loneliness…now I know what I knew…I felt like that lost lonely little girl again, everything came flooding back and I realized why I had been so stuck , why I hadn’t really moved on in my life even before she died…I realized I had to forgive her…for me…because if I don’t I will never be able to know what love really is…You see when you’re unfamiliar with what love is you don’t recognize it and you don’t feel as if you desire it…as if you are unworthy…because if the person that gave birth to you, who pushed you out of them couldn’t show you or teach you…how is it possible for a stranger to do so…So I had to forgive my mother so that I may feel worthy of love….
forgiveness and healing…Part 1
