Heavy

So for the past few months i've had a lot of time to think and talk to god.  Although i have not all ways been in his will, he has not forsaken me, and i'm blessed that he hasn't.  Many doors have been closed but just as many have closed, many have opened.  I am at a place in my life were i am seeking more. I seek more from God and  out of people. I am moving into my purpose in life and i don't have time or the mind to deal with people that do not have my back. I am cleaning out my software and deleting. In order for me to do so i have to become transparent, i have been but i need to be more. You see the more one become transparent the more they can heal and when you heal someone else can heal. The following is a piece called Heavy. Sometimes if not all the time we are weighted down by our own life experiences and everyday life. We feel heavy by our past, present and future, by our choices or lack there of. But what we must realize that you are not living this life just for you. You have a debt you owe and in order to pay that debt you have to go through, not only tell your story but give the steps as to how you over came. Its one thing to be a survivor and tell your story, its another to help and give step by step directions in how you did it...

Heavy

There is no other way to know ones self then to know your strength and weaknesses.  

I am very good at hiding my feelings from people, I don’t ask for help when I need it, because in my experience when I have their were always some type of catch to it. 

So I’ve learned how to use what I have to get what I want.  I have formulated in my head that nothing in life is for free and because of that mind set it hasn’t been.  I have done a lot of things in my life but I regret none of them, because they have made me the person I am.  What I have done is let my past, how I grew up, what I missed out on, what I went through, how and what people thought of me effect and affect me.  It is difficult to change ones mind set.  Don’t get me wrong I feel and know that I am a strong, talented, creative, loving and capable of being loved women.  Even with me knowing all of that I still had a negative mind set, even with all I know about God and what he can and will do for me… 

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I was born for a purpose that I have yet to discover.  My story has been written and it is being told, I am at the beginning but the devil has seen it unfold.  I’m destined for greatness that he does not want me to see, I have stumbled and I have fallen but I have gotten back up for there is victory. I am only at the beginning and I want to see my end.  My story is still unfolding and I’m anxious to see the greatness I’m holding. The devil has me doubting but god says not without him. The devil has me believing I am weak but god says I’m strong;  My spirit is jumping for joy but my spirit man is standing still not wanting to move, harboring all the hurt and pain that has been built and dwelling in my own will. My heart is torn broken in two I’ve given it to my abuser, user, rapper, taker and fornicator , I know god is a meander, a healer and a provider, but it becomes difficult when your use to seeing a destroyer, an abuser and a taker...

...... 

My heart is heavy no room to breathe I’m crying out lord I need you,  for I’ve left nothing for myself but a piece that needs the lords help…but its sad to say that I’ve hidden it away, afraid to let it see the break of day… but god still see’s me…he has whispered in my ear, but I did not hear him for the path I had taken I was mistaken and did not hear the instructions he had given me…so I had given a piece of me away on that path I had taken that I was mistaken and did not hear the instructions my soul was saying…I got caught up in the two worlds in my head, negative verses positive, my storm is oneself, fighting through the hurt and pain that i never knew was still their but it is hidden deep down in my soul… My soul aches and yearns for something more…My hearts desire is to set my soul free, to abide in him and for him to abide in me… I want refuge; I no longer want to think I’m hidden…

……

My storm has been a long one and I’m just now getting what I need to learn, lean not to my own understanding, although I have done things on my own I am not alone, I have to allow people to help that want to help. I have to learn how to accept help and ask for it. I have to learn how to speak things as thou they were. That when I pray I have to die, I have to tell everything, not think it but say it.  I can’t be afraid to speak of what I’ve already done, because it has been forgotten.  I have to over come the feeling of failure when I need help.  God is doing a new thing in me, and I’m ready the devil is fighting me tooth and nail but I will win I will conquer for I have momentum…

We are all Heavy, but you have to remember you are not alone all you have to do is call on the one person who is always there when you need them God, he is willing to carry you, but are you ready to take you feet out of the sand?

Matthew 6:9-13

For the past few months my Pastor Supt. Juan Goodson, has been breaking down The Lords Prayer which is the template to an effective and effectual prayer: The Lords Prayer Matthew 6:9-13

Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. 

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. 

Give us this day our daily bread. 

And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.  

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. 

Amen.

Here is my interpretation; a poem with a prayer:  Effectual Prayer

 I lay awake with you on my mind

This is the time I should unwind

To talk to you one on one, even if I have to come undone

My hopes and dreams, my hearts desire

My wants and needs, what I inspire

Not knowing if it coincides

Im filled with doubts and uncertainties not sure on where I should be

Even though I know you have faith in me

It’s so quite around me, but noise surrounds me

Im unsettled to the depths of my soul which should be the part you hold

Im consumed with my thoughts that I can’t hear a thing

Talk to me…talk to me is what rings

How do I began what do I say

Time is ticking and the day has gone away

So I pray this prayer

My heavenly father who I hold most high, my protector, my provider, my redeemer, my healer, Who knows my hearts desires, who knows what I inspire, who holds my future, let my hopes, dreams, wants and needs align with your master plan in this life that is on my natural plain as in your heavenly kingdom. I need a renewing in me this day, give me what I need to survive this day you have given to me.  Forgive me for the words I have used that have offended others knowingly and unknowingly, forgive me for losing faith, forgive me for allowing my flesh to make decisions for me, forgive me for not taking the time to show others the love and kindness you have for them. Help me to forgive others that have offended me, help me to forgive those that have hurt me. Give me strength to not give into to the seeds that are planted by others that where not planted by you, to not give into the devils temps of my conscious and unconscious desires, I ask that you protect me, build a hedge around me.  For you are the King, you have the power, and the glory forever.

 Amen

I pray that this prayer helps and blesses you...

Judgement

 Don't think you know what's in my heart or who I am just because of the pen that's in my hand...some of my words may be bold...but your missing the story that is being told...my past lessons, my past partakes are not mistakes for they are a testimony for those who can't shake it...Things are not always as they seem!!! Why do we judge? I say we because we are all guilty of doing so. Perception is first seen from the outside then it is looked at inward. What one perceives and sees is what they believe until it is otherwise discredited or proven to be wrong.  Yes my 1st CD is bold in words and some will say nasty and lustful, but hears what you don't know or can't see pass about the CD: 1st it tells a love story, how love should be and can be if its true love and real love. 2nd it shows how 2 people who are in love would show it. 3rd it shows what happens when its not real or true love. People sometimes ask me why did i use the words i use, and my response is always the same: "I was at a different place in my life and when i write i write with my emotions...I am also asked are these my experiences and my reply is always the same: "I come across a lot of people and have a lot of conversations with people and  things become intertwined when i write." Things are not what they seem to be. Don't judge me by the words i speak because when i get on that stage, that's just what i do perform on a stage. I am not my poetry and my poetry is not me. See when you have a gift you are suppose to show progression not regression, my first CD is where i was (in life and in words) which means my next CD will show were i am and were i'm going. Don't get it twisted or misunderstood, i am not ashamed of my words or my CD because at that time, that is what was given to me to be said and it was what needed to be said and how it needed to be said. I have not distorted, disgraced, mishandled or misused my gift...Know the past before you judge the presence and tarnish the future!!! John 6:36....

Blessed

Everyone has a story to tell, some stories have more trails then others but in the end everyone can relate someone can feel the pain. I'm a firm believer that life molds you, experiences shape you, that to live is to endure, to endure is to love and love is to forgive. The following is a snap shoot of a story I hope that it blesses you, encourage you and set's you free.

I have a story to tell, but where do I begin…I will start with the little girl within…victimized by loved ones raped by others…sitting in a corner trying not to be a bother…where was my mother, nowhere to be found…getting her money on running around town…that’s just a taste of what’s to be told, but here’s how the beginning of my story unfolds…unwanted in the womb, tried being killed with a broom, falling down a flight of stairs only raised my mother’s hairs…angry at the thought that I wouldn’t be forgotten…so down goes a coat she once worn to retrieve the hanger it was hung upon…unwanted to the point to resort to a rusty wire, lay up on a table and render oneself to abort  a baby…all efforts were at a lost that god not my mother was not the boss…a proud father to hear of me, but a sister that despised the thought of me…this is just at conception , I have yet to be born, but yet I am in the mist of a  storm…December 24 is the day I arrived, and the mist became a reality…I wasn’t this cute small little baby that everyone cooed over…I was fat and small…a little butterball…it was evident I wasn’t welcomed…my diapers were burned and my head was cut  open…I was just a baby and just hearing it was a little to much….I have a story to tell, but where do I begin…I will start with the little girl within…how does one trust when the family they love shows no love…its easy to become a victim when the ones you love victimize you, your Fat, your Ugly, your Dumb, your stupid…it starts to become part of your dna, your no longer surprised, your not as hurt and you start to believe they are right and then you just give up…you learn how to blend in, how to please people so that they would never have anything bad to say about you…but you start to realize that that doesn’t even work…so then you position yourself in a corner trying not to be a bother…so as I got older things begin to change…body start forming and men started confronting….then people started forming other names to call…you’re not good enough, your no good, you will never be anything, your only good for one thing…so the cycle begins again…but instead of become a victim I victimize…learned to use what I had to get what I wanted…in return making them no longer a lie but as the years went on it becomes truth….mean, angry, disrespectful, manipulative, evil….after the bad was done the evilness was returned…not knowing what self worth was and not knowing that I was more than enough….I aloud others to define in me what was enough…using what I had to get what I wanted and pleasing to aim and aiming to please….got me caught up in no sir please…beaten and bruised and stood accused by the man I loved…afraid to go home cause their was no home left…self inflicted, non-motivated, no confidence having continued to be abused 

Not good enough

Who wants you

Tear stained face, painted with pain engulfed with shame, riddled with disappointment, embalmed with discouragement, filled with hatred, in lined with hate, laced with lust, taunted with your not good enough, youth that was stolen, adult life that is being taken, sanity that is being stricken, mind that is being blown, saturated thoughts of persecution, haunted by the thoughts of being touched but needing sex to feel loved, trampled threw by men in efforts to begin again, robbed by no rules, raped because they needed something to do, now sexed crazed and can only deal and relieve stressed if they are being laid…being ravished by many and loved by no one. 

Hold on 

Don't give up

Don’t cry little girl, don’t cry for me, for god had kept me and he will keep you too.  They may have stolen our innocence,  God gave us strength, they may have ravished our bodies, God cleansed our soul, they may have called us dumb, god gave us knowledge to seek him, they may have said we will be nothing, god said we have a purpose and we are more then what man can see.  Life may have bound us, god has loosened the shackles.  When our minds where weary and lashed with the uncertainties, god settled our mind and had us to focus on him. When the clouds loom on us, god shined his light on us, when the storms where spinning around about us god parted the way and moved them and lead us on our way.

I heard a voice that blew in on a summer breeze that gingerly caressed my cheek, be not afraid for I am with you always, come to me if your weary and bearing a heavy burden I will give you rest, words swaying in the wind as it touched the heart and restores the soul, you may have falling short of the glory but get up and begin again, you may have sinned, but that doesn’t make you a sinner,  for I know what’s in your heart my good and faithful servant.  Come to me in love and I will show you love. Seek me first and I will show favor. When your down in out go to the rock, When your lonely  go to the rock, When your felt their was no end  go to the rock, When your all cried out go to the rock, The rock is your foundation, the rock is your salvation, and the rock is the beginning when you see no end. The rock is your shelter, the rock is where you seek love, for it does not judge, it sees me only in sprit

The purpose for your life and the desires of your heart are not always one in the same, but when they are one in the same and you find yourself heavy laden all you need to do is go to the rock.  For the rock is your salvation, it will hold you up when nothing else will. You can go to the rock when you need someone to talk to, when you shelter and when you need a friend.  Just go to God in prayer, go to a private place and commune with him in sprit and truth.  

See although I may not have stayed in his presence he never left me. I could have died, no longer on this earth, many,many times over. He showed favor in me. I started to grab hold of my passion to write, to embrace the gift the outlet he gave me to survive and to thrive.  I'm blessed even in the mist...i'm still blessed!!!!

Thank You

There are no words to express how I feel but when my pen hits the paper it all becomes revealed. My thoughts take control and the words begin to unfold, a play by play of the world of things untold, sold and mistakenly  mistold. 

This past month has been a roller coaster, ups and downs but more ups then downs. God has been very good to me and all I can say is thank you! Thank you just don't seem like it's enough but thank you is what's in my heart and that's all that matters. My gift that he has blessed me with has opened so many doors and I have been walking through them with open arms and a happy heart. The newest door that had opened is I have made the final nominee list for the Queen City Award for Poetry In Motion. I would like to thank my fans, friends and family for believing in me.  I am loving this journey my passion is taking me on and i'm happy that you are right there with me.

Distractions Part 2

In part 1 I explained that you should listen to your inner voice, because ignoring it can cause you harm.  Well distraction 2 is love or so called love, yeah I know, the question that is going on in your head is how can love be a distraction. Well let me explain how. I explained how I was in a good place, in a place where I was growing although I had trials I was still in a good place.  I don’t want you to think that I’m suggesting that it was all the other persons fault because it wasn’t. I am also to blame. I aloud myself to get lost and I also aloud things to happen that I know should not have.  I can only speak from a women or my point of view, but women have a tendency to get lost in a relationship. When I say lost I mean it in every sense of the word completely involved and or absorbed. Making sure the other persons life runs easier even if it makes your own life a little complicated.  Some would say that is unselfish or unconditional love this is true but only when the person still has a part of them selves, that they can call their own. 

Its said that love will have you do things that you never thought you would do, but my question is, is it love or is it acceptance? See I thought I was in love or that I loved the person because I thought they were the one for me but I realized I was in love with the thought of being in love or the concept of love.  Seeking something (acceptance) that I thought I was missing. In doing so I got off the track I was on. I lost myself, my passion, my direction, my goals.  I lost sight of what I was doing. I can only blame myself for doing so. I was supplying his need when my needs were being neglected. 

My heart aches and my soul yearns for more

A yearn that set’s the soul on fire with a burning desire to be with you, our worlds have collided but we were unable to sustain it. So it collapsed right in front of us without us even knowing what had happened. Days became weeks, weeks became months and unknowingly became immune to each other, not caring and not knowing our comings and goings. So our lives became one and two at the same time. Time has lapsed and we have lost our place, standing still in an empty space, longing for each others embrace. Racing for time that’s in its own race, the light in your eyes is now dim, the spark that use to shine my world is now gone.

 Life has a way of showing you things but what happens is that we tend to ignore them or justify the reason to why we do.  I put myself and things I needed and wanted to do on hold so that he could be pleased and eased of discomfort.  If he needed something done and I had to do something I would drop what I was doing or don’t do what I needed to do to do what he needed done. Then out of robotics I started doing things because I knew they needed to be done.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that any of this is wrong, but what I am saying is that make sure you don’t lose you when doing so.  Because when you do you start to resent the person, who they are and what they do.

I feel the emptiness in your touch,

the lack of passion in you embrace and the sternness in your voice when we communicate. How did we get to this unfamiliar place, this place of uncertainty with no clarity? 

How do we get back to your eyes lighting up my world, the fullness in your touch, the passion in your lasting embrace, back to the softness, sweetness and loving voice that melted my heart and warmed my soul.

I have no take on yesterdays, I only long for tomorrows for I don’t want anymore sorrows to wallow in the pit of denials that carry on from the yesterdays.

They say love is blind, but love isn’t blind its use that are. We choose not to see what is in front of us for whatever reason, be it acceptance, for love, companionship or just not wanting to be alone. See love is unconditional and it is not selfish, but when we start taking from that love and never giving into it, it impedes on whatever need is trying to be satisfied.  So not only is it your fault its also the person you are with because they are also choosing not to see to satisfy there own need

A collision of two hearts bouncing off the rails of love,

holding on to past mistakes, trying to embrace life intakes, confused by the feelings they partake. Afraid they will make the same mistakes, so they cruse along,treading on a thin piece of ice daring not to crack or shatter their hearts because they will finally fall apart. So they park themselves next to the spot marked safe so they wont be consumed by the lives they infiltrate.

So make sure that when you love that its not a distraction that takes you off track but a love distraction that helps you on the track you are on!

Distractions Part 1

Blogs have many meanings, to inform, to educate, and to help. At times one has to become bare show themselves in order to help others, for you never know your experience just may help someone. As i stated in a previous post this blog was created for one purpose and ended up being for another. Through out life's journey their are many distractions, some are good for growth and others hinder growth. This post is about a distraction  hindered my growth and also made me see where i needed to grow, so something good came out of it. This particular distraction was a relationship. Before i became involved in this relationship i had a goal a plan and stopped some bad habits. I was doing really well, not to get to spiritual, but my spiritual walk was drawing me closer to God and who he knew i was to become, it was great. Then came along my distraction my weakness of not wanting to be alone. He was great, he possessed just about everything i desired in a man. It was great in the beginning. But as time went on things started to change in me and i choose to ignore them. I stopped studying for my Natural Hair License and i picked up a bad habit that i had stopped for over 6mos doing. I had justified all my actions knowing deep down inside something else was wrong. I had become distracted and being redirected to a path that i knew i wasn't suppose to be on. As time went on and i became deeper and deeper into the relationship i started to realize the things i knew wasn't right and my spirit was letting me know i started seeing the writing on the walls and they were speaking loud and clear. After a while the relationship ended but not by my doing but by the other person involved. I had left the relationship mentally long before they decided to let it go physically. After the relationship was over i was angry not because the relationship was over but mainly because i allowed myself to become lost in the relationship. Of course that was not my first reaction or thought hear is my first reaction: 

How Dare You


You say you love me, but you leave me

You say you forgive me, but you hold it against me

You say it’s not me, but you list my inequities

How dare you take a piece of me

You came in like a thief in the night and stole my love and then threw it away like a thorn up rug

You left me with dried up tears of loving you no more

You left me feeling unpleased as if I had a disease of an unwanted cool breeze

You left me with a sadness that could not be missed even if you blew it with a tender kiss

How dare you take a piece of me

You left my tender touch, my soft lips that would yearn for you sensual kiss

You left the unity of our bodies of chemistry that erupted a fire that wouldn’t burn out until the sun came up

How dare you take a piece of me

You had me buy into what you were selling

Knowing that it was not refundable

I’m torn broken in two I should have know better to be that free with you

I’m sorry to you didn’t take it I gave it away without saying come what may

I was blinded by the maybe and could be’s

By your eyes that mesmerized me

Love is not blind for it always see

It is us blinded by the certainties that has us not seeing

the heat is willful and is driven by its own agenda.  It does not consider things rationally with thought or  intelligence it just loves to love.

For was the one who did not give it direction

How dare I let you take a piece of me when I did not give you instructions….

No how dare I

First lesson learned
Always listen to that inner voice, don't ignore it because if you do it can seriously harm you...