Hit's Differently

 

 

The past has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it.  A few years ago I was fired for the first time in my life.  I liked what I was doing and it was an extension from the job I had previously resigned from to take the job.  Well, in the beginning everything seemed fine. I was in the learning phase of training and I thought I was doing well, until it came to my attention that I was not.  Things took a turn.  Not to go into to all the details, I overheard a conversation that was not meant for me, and after this conversation my training took a turn for the worse.  At the time I did not think that it w
as all that traumatic, but as I stated in the beginning the past has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it.

A few months ago I started my current job, if you did not know I am a 911 dispatcher and as hard, stressful and at times heart wrenching, I love what I do.  I am at the part of my training were things went so wrong a few years ago.  I thought I was fine, that I had gotten past it. I had even gotten a job that was similar but not quite the same.  Well, here I am at my new job having flash backs and my anxiety is going through the roof and the funny thing about it is that they are not doing anything at the current job to cause them.  At first I thought that it was the time of the year.  If you are unaware December, January and February are really rough months for me; my mom passed away on my birthday in December, my sister, who passed away, birthday is in January and mom’s birthday is in February.  So, I had attributed my mistakes, mishaps, and anxiety to that.  However, after my birthday passed last year and the New Year was approaching, in talking to people I realized that it all was not from the time of year, month, or events but from what had happened on the job a few years ago.  Man, when I tell you that it blew my mind, this is when I had this “ah ha” moment.  The moment came when I was having the worst day at work, it was like I had learned nothing, and I did not know anything.  I was making mistakes and when I tried to correct them ended up adding more to it.  I tried everything to get back on track.  I reached out to the women of my church and a really good friend for words of encouragement, but at this point the words were not seeping in.  My regular trainer was not with me but my coach was and although she was patient with me I know that she was like what in the world is going on with me.  I was defensive, and short tempered with her and all she was doing was trying to help.  By the end of the day, I felt so deflated that I had gone into the bathroom and cried.  When I got back to my station my trainer had come by to see how my day went, all I could do was shake my head because I could not trust that the tears that I was holding back would stay.  He saw that something wasn’t right, so we went into the office and I cried again.  He asked me what was wrong?   I was trying to explain and make sense of it all, but everything was coming out in a jumbled mess and it all hit me at once.  I had held in all that pain from years ago and I never dealt with being fired and treated that way that it all came to a head on this day.  The day had no significance, nothing was tied to it.  So, after my cry fest, I went back to my station feeling a little better but drained.  On my way home I re-read the words of encouragement the women of my church gave me, it made me smile and had me mending some of the pieces.  I also re-read the message from my good friend that put everything in perspective.  First, he reminded me of my own words “You said this was a “calling” right?”.  Then he said, and I quote “I need you to step back and talk to yourself. Tell yourself how good at this you are… tell yourself how much you know about this job… tell yourself to calm down… slow down and do what you do best. Tell yourself that today will be a good day, then finally, tell yourself before every call I know what I’m doing, and I got this!”  When he sent this to me originally, I said the words but did not mean them. I did not say them with conviction or with my heart.  It wasn’t until I had cried and cleansed my soul that the words sent to me to repeat meant something.

I said all that to say this.  When we have had so much hurt, pain, disappointment, betrayal and mistreatment we tend to push them aside and tell ourselves that it doesn’t matter, because we are so use to it that it doesn’t register until we get into a similar situation and everything starts to crumble and you don’t know why.  The saying “that hits differently” applies here.  It all hits differently when it comes back around and you realize what the culprit was.  Once you get to the heart of the matter you can begin to heal and then you are able to move differently.  We have to start acknowledging our hurts, pains, disappointments, betrayals and mistreatments because if we don’t and it “hits differently” you may not come out on the right side of things.  We have to start using our voices (in a constructive non-confrontational way) to express how we feel, because holding it in, pushing it aside and being immune to it does not always work. This past Sunday my pastor spoke on “See Yourself Better.”  This was so spot on for me.  To see yourself better you have to have faith, acknowledging that what’s in front of you is just a challenge, but faith is what lies ahead of you.  Meaning, in the context of this post, that expressing yourself maybe a challenge but what lies ahead is your healing, you mending some relationships or even letting go of some relationships.  Don’t focus on the challenge but focus on Seeing Yourself Better; seeing yourself healed from hurt, pain, disappointments, betrayal and mistreatment.  Seeing yourself grow, mature and stepping out into your purpose.

Ever since my “ah ha” moment I have felt so free, clear, and happy.  All I had to do was shed some tears to clean my soul and get everything that was held hostage inside of me out. So I leave you with this SEE YOURSELF BETTER because I do!!!

I pray this helps someone. Until next time.

 

Not So

 

I have not posted on here in quite some time but something was said to me that had me reflecting on my life. I reflect often but this one was more purposeful. It solidified my belief that people see you, your life and life choices through a cracked mirror, trying to put together the pieces themselves instead of asking the one who holds the pieces.  If a person truly knows me, then they know that if you want to know something all you have to do is ask. My transparency is a new path for me, one that only started when I started to perform my poems and my life started to go in all kinds of directions. 

Like most people life didn’t turn out the way we had envisioned, I would be the first to say my life has been an adventure and as we all know adventures are not always fun and games.  I’ve made good choices and bad, but I can’t say that I regret them. Relationships for me have been shaky at best.  Growing up I never really had a solid foundation when it came to any type of relationship, I was always alone. My siblings were older and my parents worked all the time so I was always left to my own accord.  I never got into trouble, I was quiet and kept my feelings and emotions to myself.  I found out the hard way that you can’t confide in everyone and a lot of people have an angle.  So when I got older I stuck to what I knew, stay in the shadows.  For the most part I did, then unbeknownst to me at the time everything that I kept in as a child and young adult started to spill out.  When we become adults the things of our past knowingly and unknowingly play a part in life.  It is not until we acknowledge these things that they no longer play a part until then we walk a path that really wasn’t set out for us.  Along the way we learn things, taught lessons and learn a few lessons that help us on path we are meant to take. 

Now the meat of this transparency, I was told that I create toxic situations in my life so that I hide my vulnerability. Now at face value on the outside looking in I can truly understand why one would think that. But face value is not the sum of the cost. The nouns we encounter in life present challenges and some challenges are a lot more difficult than others.  At the early parts of my adulthood my choices were a response of my childhood, seeking, searching, and reaching for anything that would feel the void or give me what I never felt growing up, a sense of belonging and wanting to be wanted and loved.  Because of this I encountered people that were not good for my health.  It landed me in an abusive relationship that almost cost me my life. And from there my life spiraled out of control for a good while. I became mean, hard, and not caring who and what I hurt.  It wasn’t until I had another brush with life that sent me falling to my knees.  I cleaned up what parts of my life I could, started taking care of my mother, and learned a new craft that I love and enjoy and started living life a little differently.  This doesn’t mean life got easier or that relationships for me were easier, just mean they were different.  I can look back now at the age of 42 and say I was broken and the relationships I’ve had were with broken people and 2 broken people are not always a good fit and because of that I was presented with challenges.   These challenges were not all the same. I am a good student so as I was mending, fixing and throwing out the useless pieces of my brokenness I was learning more and more about myself and relationships. Once I learned a lesson I dare not repeat.  So the challenges I would encounter in my relationships were all different except 2 things remained the same. One being me and two brokenness.  I found that whatever part of my life I was trying to overcome (i.e lust, anger, forgiveness, hurt, pain, and betrayal) I would be in a relationship that would propel it.  Now if someone on the outside looking in is seeing all these challenges, trials, and mishaps they would conclude that one is toxic.  But when you understand the background, and the process that person had to go through in order to get to where they are today, it takes on a whole new meaning.  I can pin point every benchmark in my life with a person of whom I was in a relationship with. I believe one has to go through in order to come through. I also believe the life I am living is not only mine. My life story is to help others.  I refuse to allow someone who is trying to piece together my life and the choices I’ve made and the challenges I had been presented to view them as toxic me creating them. The very definition of toxic is very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way. I'm sorry I am none of those things. 

The other part of the statement was about being vulnerable.  Those that know me, know that I wear my heart on my sleeve (most of the time).  But life has a way of harden a person.  There was a time in my life I wouldn't let anyone in.  I had been burned a lot.  When I love and or care for someone I don't half step it.  In the past I would go all in very quickly (responding from childhood past) and lose myself in it all.  Now I have learned to slow walk it, but as I am now learning, it can come across as not opening myself up, not being vulnerable.  But here is the thing, I will only open up fully when the other person does the same.  Its one thing to be an open book, answer personal and non-personal questions about yourself.  Its another to give yourself over to someone.  To trust them with the thing you hold dear and close, YOUR HEART.  My life has been like a bank account, people always getting a withdrawal but never making a deposit.  So if me just giving out one bill at a time until the amount goes up is not enough then all I can say is NSF.  I have a lot of love inside me and I now know my value in life I will not settle for anything less than what I am willing to give.  I do have to confess that I am the type of person that does not like to leave should, coulda, woulda's in life, so I will do everything I can before I close the bank. This at times my cause other challenges, but when the bank is closed I don't have to worry about someone or something coming back to do an audit.  I tend to love on purpose and one has no choice but to be vulnerable when they do.

Until next time, thanks for reading and I hope this helped someone.

Part 1 Forgiveness and Healing

Forgiveness and Healing Part 1

Not quite sure how I am feeling right now…I have so many emotions going on that I don’t know how to distinguish between any of them…I feel lost,  every time I feel that I got this, that I can do this, that I can get through this, something happens…I have so much self doubt that it leaves no room for motivation…I’m tried…I feel like a failure everyday…I feel like my life has turned into a bunch of excuses, bad timings and late arrivals…How is it possible to have confidence and self doubt all at the same time…I can say I haven’t given up I may have slowed down but not given up…I love to write, I love to express how I feel with words, express it in a way that someone else who does not have the words, understands and know that there is someone out there who knows how they feel and give them the strength and or words they need to express how they feel…words, a pen, a pencil and a piece of paper are my refuge and I lost some of that when my mom past away… Two years has passed since my mother died and 8 months since my sister has passed.  It has been a little over 3yrs since I have written and or posted…I lost my words… I only had enough to get by to function but not to create I mean really create…I didn’t know how to express myself because I had so many emotions bottled up inside of me for so many years…and still do…but I’m starting to find it easier at times to write…be it a sentence, or a random thought…I’m trying to figure out how do I get back to the beginning…back to the place where I had confidence within myself to do anything that I set my mind to…I don’t know if that person even exist and if that is the case how do I achieve that now?

My mother died on 12/24/2012 which was also my 34^th birthday and my sister died a year and 5months later…I’m going to try and be as transparent as I can possibly can.  So I decided for my come back blog to talk about forgiveness and healing… In order to heal one has to forgive you cannot have one without the other it is just about impossible. You can move on and or past something without forgiveness but you cannot truly heal without it…

They say healing first starts with forgiveness of self, which means you have to get to the root of the matter…have to find out the why…and when you find out the why…forgive yourself for allowing it to get to a place that it has festered and eating you up to where you are bitter, resentful and self annihilating…forgiving oneself is not the easiest thing to do…because you have so much pain that is piled on top of pain on top of pain…and you have to go through the layers of pain first to forgive yourself…I had to forgive myself when my mother past away…I felt a lot of guilt, I had a whole lot of thoughts go through my head that went all they way back to when I first started taking care of her…but the one that haunted me the most was…If I would have taken her to the hospital when I first noticed her breathing was off instead of waiting until Monday morning when the nurse comes would she be alive today…

at times this thought still permeates my mind…but I have to remind myself that I did everything I could do…I called the on-call nurse she told me what to give her to even out her breathing and it worked so I did what I was suppose to do…I did everything I could do…once I got past that I was one step closer to healing…but then I had to go deeper…I had to move to the next layer…I had to forgive my mother… growing up I had always felt I didn’t belong, unwanted and at times unloved… there were people in my life who showed me love, like my God Parents and then her Sister when they moved away and then I moved away…but it wasn’t enough to ensure that I really was loved…

I was left all alone with no sense of being loved…in my mid 20’s my mother told me the story of how she found out she was pregnant with me, it wasn’t one of those happy joy, joy stories…my mother was not happy when she found out and she tried on several occasions to get rid of me to unveil… My relationship with my mother and my sister were both awkward, strange and strained …now at this point in my life I was a total mess and this story just made it worse…I was already trying to figure out who I was and what I was going to do with myself and my life…but it also explained why I’ve always had this feeling of not belonging and being alone…at this juncture in my life I was seeking out what I felt I was missing which was love…I looked for love in all the wrong people, places and things…to the point where it was almost destructive and all it did was make me feel even more insecure and unloved…my mother wasn’t the most affectionate person and it wasn’t until she was sick that she said that she loved me (at least that I can remember)…So as I’m trying to go through the grieving process I came upon anger and at the time I knew why but I didn’t know why and then it hit me…loneliness…now I know what I knew…I felt like that lost lonely little girl again, everything came flooding back and I realized why I had been so stuck , why I hadn’t really moved on in my life even before she died…I realized I had to forgive her…for me…because if I don’t I will never be able to know what love really is…You see when you’re unfamiliar with what love is you don’t recognize it and you don’t feel as if you desire it…as if you are unworthy…because if the person that gave birth to you, who pushed you out of them couldn’t show you or teach you…how is it possible for a stranger to do so…So I had to forgive my mother so that I may feel worthy of love….

forgiveness and healing…Part 1

Heavy

So for the past few months i've had a lot of time to think and talk to god.  Although i have not all ways been in his will, he has not forsaken me, and i'm blessed that he hasn't.  Many doors have been closed but just as many have closed, many have opened.  I am at a place in my life where I am seeking more, more from God and out of people. I am moving into my purpose in life and I don't have time or the mind to deal with people that do not have my back. I am cleaning out my software and deleting. In order for me to do so I have to become transparent, I have been but I need to be more. You see the more one becomes transparent the more they can heal and when you heal someone else can heal. The following is a piece called Heavy. Sometimes if not all the time we are weighted down by our own life experiences and everyday life. We feel heavy by our past, present and future, by our choices or lack there of. But what we must realize is that we are not living this life just for ourselves. You have a debt you owe and in order to pay that debt you have to go through, not only tell your story but give the steps as to how you over came. Its one thing to be a survivor and tell your story, its another to help and give step by step directions in how you did it...

There is no other way to know ones self then to know your strength and weaknesses.  

I am very good at hiding my feelings from people, I don’t ask for help when I need it, because in my experience when I have their were always some type of catch to it. So I’ve learned how to use what I have to get what I want.  I have formulated in my head that nothing in life is for free and because of that mind set it hasn’t been.  I have done a lot of things in my life but I regret none of them, because they have made me the person I am.  What I have done is let my past, how I grew up, what I missed out on, what I went through, how and what people thought of me effect and affect me.  It is difficult to change ones mind set.  Don’t get me wrong I feel and know that I am a strong, talented, creative, loving and capable of being loved women.  Even with me knowing all of that I still had a negative mind set, even with all I know about God and what he can and will do for me… 

Heavy

I was born for a purpose that I have yet to discover.  My story has been written and it is being told, I am at the beginning but the devil has seen it unfold.  I’m destined for greatness that he does not want me to see, I have stumbled and I have fallen but I have gotten back up for there is victory. I am only at the beginning and I want to see my end.  My story is still unfolding and I’m anxious to see the greatness I’m holding. The devil has me doubting but god says not without him. The devil has me believing I am weak but god says I’m strong;  My spirit is jumping for joy but my spirit man is standing still not wanting to move, harboring all the hurt and pain that has been built and dwelling in my own will. My heart is torn broken in two I’ve given it to my abuser, user, rapper, taker and fornicator , I know god is a meander, a healer and a provider, but it becomes difficult when your use to seeing a destroyer, an abuser and a taker...

...... 

My heart is heavy no room to breathe I’m crying out lord I need you,  for I’ve left nothing for myself but a piece that needs the lords help…but its sad to say that I’ve hidden it away, afraid to let it see the break of day… but god still see’s me…he has whispered in my ear, but I did not hear him for the path I had taken I was mistaken and did not hear the instructions he had given me…so I had given a piece of me away on that path I had taken that I was mistaken and did not hear the instructions my soul was saying…I got caught up in the two worlds in my head, negative verses positive, my storm is oneself, fighting through the hurt and pain that i never knew was still their but it is hidden deep down in my soul… My soul aches and yearns for something more…My hearts desire is to set my soul free, to abide in him and for him to abide in me… I want refuge; I no longer want to think I’m hidden…

……

My storm has been a long one and I’m just now getting what I need to learn, lean not to my own understanding, although I have done things on my own I am not alone, I have to allow people to help that want to help. I have to learn how to accept help and ask for it. I have to learn how to speak things as thou they were. That when I pray I have to die, I have to tell everything, not think it but say it.  I can’t be afraid to speak of what I’ve already done, because it has been forgotten.  I have to over come the feeling of failure when I need help.  God is doing a new thing in me, and I’m ready the devil is fighting me tooth and nail but I will win I will conquer for I have momentum…

We are all Heavy, but you have to remember you are not alone all you have to do is call on the one person who is always there when you need them God, he is willing to carry you, but are you ready to take you feet out of the sand?

Matthew 6:9-13

For the past few months my Pastor Supt. Juan Goodson, has been breaking down The Lords Prayer which is the template to an effective and effectual prayer: The Lords Prayer Matthew 6:9-13

Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. 

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. 

Give us this day our daily bread. 

And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.  

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. 

Amen.

Here is my interpretation; a poem with a prayer:  Effectual Prayer

 I lay awake with you on my mind

This is the time I should unwind

To talk to you one on one, even if I have to come undone

My hopes and dreams, my hearts desire

My wants and needs, what I inspire

Not knowing if it coincides

Im filled with doubts and uncertainties not sure on where I should be

Even though I know you have faith in me

It’s so quite around me, but noise surrounds me

Im unsettled to the depths of my soul which should be the part you hold

Im consumed with my thoughts that I can’t hear a thing

Talk to me…talk to me is what rings

How do I began what do I say

Time is ticking and the day has gone away

So I pray this prayer

My heavenly father who I hold most high, my protector, my provider, my redeemer, my healer, Who knows my hearts desires, who knows what I inspire, who holds my future, let my hopes, dreams, wants and needs align with your master plan in this life that is on my natural plain as in your heavenly kingdom. I need a renewing in me this day, give me what I need to survive this day you have given to me.  Forgive me for the words I have used that have offended others knowingly and unknowingly, forgive me for losing faith, forgive me for allowing my flesh to make decisions for me, forgive me for not taking the time to show others the love and kindness you have for them. Help me to forgive others that have offended me, help me to forgive those that have hurt me. Give me strength to not give into to the seeds that are planted by others that where not planted by you, to not give into the devils temps of my conscious and unconscious desires, I ask that you protect me, build a hedge around me.  For you are the King, you have the power, and the glory forever.

 Amen

I pray that this prayer helps and blesses you...

Judgement

 Don't think you know what's in my heart or who I am just because of the pen that's in my hand...some of my words may be bold...but your missing the story that is being told...my past lessons, my past partakes are not mistakes for they are a testimony for those who can't shake it...Things are not always as they seem!!! Why do we judge? I say we because we are all guilty of doing so. Perception is first seen from the outside then it is looked at inward. What one perceives and sees is what they believe until it is otherwise discredited or proven to be wrong.  Yes my 1st CD is bold in words and some will say nasty and lustful, but hears what you don't know or can't see pass about the CD: 1st it tells a love story, how love should be and can be if its true love and real love. 2nd it shows how 2 people who are in love would show it. 3rd it shows what happens when its not real or true love. People sometimes ask me why did i use the words i use, and my response is always the same: "I was at a different place in my life and when i write i write with my emotions...I am also asked are these my experiences and my reply is always the same: "I come across a lot of people and have a lot of conversations with people and  things become intertwined when i write." Things are not what they seem to be. Don't judge me by the words i speak because when i get on that stage, that's just what i do perform on a stage. I am not my poetry and my poetry is not me. See when you have a gift you are suppose to show progression not regression, my first CD is where i was (in life and in words) which means my next CD will show were i am and were i'm going. Don't get it twisted or misunderstood, i am not ashamed of my words or my CD because at that time, that is what was given to me to be said and it was what needed to be said and how it needed to be said. I have not distorted, disgraced, mishandled or misused my gift...Know the past before you judge the presence and tarnish the future!!! John 6:36....

Blessed

Everyone has a story to tell, some stories have more trails then others but in the end everyone can relate someone can feel the pain. I'm a firm believer that life molds you, experiences shape you, that to live is to endure, to endure is to love and love is to forgive. The following is a snap shoot of a story I hope that it blesses you, encourage you and set's you free.

I have a story to tell, but where do I begin…I will start with the little girl within…victimized by loved ones raped by others…sitting in a corner trying not to be a bother…where was my mother, nowhere to be found…getting her money on running around town…that’s just a taste of what’s to be told, but here’s how the beginning of my story unfolds…unwanted in the womb, tried being killed with a broom, falling down a flight of stairs only raised my mother’s hairs…angry at the thought that I wouldn’t be forgotten…so down goes a coat she once worn to retrieve the hanger it was hung upon…unwanted to the point to resort to a rusty wire, lay up on a table and render oneself to abort  a baby…all efforts were at a lost that god not my mother was not the boss…a proud father to hear of me, but a sister that despised the thought of me…this is just at conception , I have yet to be born, but yet I am in the mist of a  storm…December 24 is the day I arrived, and the mist became a reality…I wasn’t this cute small little baby that everyone cooed over…I was fat and small…a little butterball…it was evident I wasn’t welcomed…my diapers were burned and my head was cut  open…I was just a baby and just hearing it was a little to much….I have a story to tell, but where do I begin…I will start with the little girl within…how does one trust when the family they love shows no love…its easy to become a victim when the ones you love victimize you, your Fat, your Ugly, your Dumb, your stupid…it starts to become part of your dna, your no longer surprised, your not as hurt and you start to believe they are right and then you just give up…you learn how to blend in, how to please people so that they would never have anything bad to say about you…but you start to realize that that doesn’t even work…so then you position yourself in a corner trying not to be a bother…so as I got older things begin to change…body start forming and men started confronting….then people started forming other names to call…you’re not good enough, your no good, you will never be anything, your only good for one thing…so the cycle begins again…but instead of become a victim I victimize…learned to use what I had to get what I wanted…in return making them no longer a lie but as the years went on it becomes truth….mean, angry, disrespectful, manipulative, evil….after the bad was done the evilness was returned…not knowing what self worth was and not knowing that I was more than enough….I aloud others to define in me what was enough…using what I had to get what I wanted and pleasing to aim and aiming to please….got me caught up in no sir please…beaten and bruised and stood accused by the man I loved…afraid to go home cause their was no home left…self inflicted, non-motivated, no confidence having continued to be abused 

Not good enough

Who wants you

Tear stained face, painted with pain engulfed with shame, riddled with disappointment, embalmed with discouragement, filled with hatred, in lined with hate, laced with lust, taunted with your not good enough, youth that was stolen, adult life that is being taken, sanity that is being stricken, mind that is being blown, saturated thoughts of persecution, haunted by the thoughts of being touched but needing sex to feel loved, trampled threw by men in efforts to begin again, robbed by no rules, raped because they needed something to do, now sexed crazed and can only deal and relieve stressed if they are being laid…being ravished by many and loved by no one. 

Hold on 

Don't give up

Don’t cry little girl, don’t cry for me, for god had kept me and he will keep you too.  They may have stolen our innocence,  God gave us strength, they may have ravished our bodies, God cleansed our soul, they may have called us dumb, god gave us knowledge to seek him, they may have said we will be nothing, god said we have a purpose and we are more then what man can see.  Life may have bound us, god has loosened the shackles.  When our minds where weary and lashed with the uncertainties, god settled our mind and had us to focus on him. When the clouds loom on us, god shined his light on us, when the storms where spinning around about us god parted the way and moved them and lead us on our way.

I heard a voice that blew in on a summer breeze that gingerly caressed my cheek, be not afraid for I am with you always, come to me if your weary and bearing a heavy burden I will give you rest, words swaying in the wind as it touched the heart and restores the soul, you may have falling short of the glory but get up and begin again, you may have sinned, but that doesn’t make you a sinner,  for I know what’s in your heart my good and faithful servant.  Come to me in love and I will show you love. Seek me first and I will show favor. When your down in out go to the rock, When your lonely  go to the rock, When your felt their was no end  go to the rock, When your all cried out go to the rock, The rock is your foundation, the rock is your salvation, and the rock is the beginning when you see no end. The rock is your shelter, the rock is where you seek love, for it does not judge, it sees me only in sprit

The purpose for your life and the desires of your heart are not always one in the same, but when they are one in the same and you find yourself heavy laden all you need to do is go to the rock.  For the rock is your salvation, it will hold you up when nothing else will. You can go to the rock when you need someone to talk to, when you shelter and when you need a friend.  Just go to God in prayer, go to a private place and commune with him in sprit and truth.  

See although I may not have stayed in his presence he never left me. I could have died, no longer on this earth, many,many times over. He showed favor in me. I started to grab hold of my passion to write, to embrace the gift the outlet he gave me to survive and to thrive.  I'm blessed even in the mist...i'm still blessed!!!!