Hit's Differently

 

 

The past has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it.  A few years ago I was fired for the first time in my life.  I liked what I was doing and it was an extension from the job I had previously resigned from to take the job.  Well, in the beginning everything seemed fine. I was in the learning phase of training and I thought I was doing well, until it came to my attention that I was not.  Things took a turn.  Not to go into to all the details, I overheard a conversation that was not meant for me, and after this conversation my training took a turn for the worse.  At the time I did not think that it w
as all that traumatic, but as I stated in the beginning the past has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it.

A few months ago I started my current job, if you did not know I am a 911 dispatcher and as hard, stressful and at times heart wrenching, I love what I do.  I am at the part of my training were things went so wrong a few years ago.  I thought I was fine, that I had gotten past it. I had even gotten a job that was similar but not quite the same.  Well, here I am at my new job having flash backs and my anxiety is going through the roof and the funny thing about it is that they are not doing anything at the current job to cause them.  At first I thought that it was the time of the year.  If you are unaware December, January and February are really rough months for me; my mom passed away on my birthday in December, my sister, who passed away, birthday is in January and mom’s birthday is in February.  So, I had attributed my mistakes, mishaps, and anxiety to that.  However, after my birthday passed last year and the New Year was approaching, in talking to people I realized that it all was not from the time of year, month, or events but from what had happened on the job a few years ago.  Man, when I tell you that it blew my mind, this is when I had this “ah ha” moment.  The moment came when I was having the worst day at work, it was like I had learned nothing, and I did not know anything.  I was making mistakes and when I tried to correct them ended up adding more to it.  I tried everything to get back on track.  I reached out to the women of my church and a really good friend for words of encouragement, but at this point the words were not seeping in.  My regular trainer was not with me but my coach was and although she was patient with me I know that she was like what in the world is going on with me.  I was defensive, and short tempered with her and all she was doing was trying to help.  By the end of the day, I felt so deflated that I had gone into the bathroom and cried.  When I got back to my station my trainer had come by to see how my day went, all I could do was shake my head because I could not trust that the tears that I was holding back would stay.  He saw that something wasn’t right, so we went into the office and I cried again.  He asked me what was wrong?   I was trying to explain and make sense of it all, but everything was coming out in a jumbled mess and it all hit me at once.  I had held in all that pain from years ago and I never dealt with being fired and treated that way that it all came to a head on this day.  The day had no significance, nothing was tied to it.  So, after my cry fest, I went back to my station feeling a little better but drained.  On my way home I re-read the words of encouragement the women of my church gave me, it made me smile and had me mending some of the pieces.  I also re-read the message from my good friend that put everything in perspective.  First, he reminded me of my own words “You said this was a “calling” right?”.  Then he said, and I quote “I need you to step back and talk to yourself. Tell yourself how good at this you are… tell yourself how much you know about this job… tell yourself to calm down… slow down and do what you do best. Tell yourself that today will be a good day, then finally, tell yourself before every call I know what I’m doing, and I got this!”  When he sent this to me originally, I said the words but did not mean them. I did not say them with conviction or with my heart.  It wasn’t until I had cried and cleansed my soul that the words sent to me to repeat meant something.

I said all that to say this.  When we have had so much hurt, pain, disappointment, betrayal and mistreatment we tend to push them aside and tell ourselves that it doesn’t matter, because we are so use to it that it doesn’t register until we get into a similar situation and everything starts to crumble and you don’t know why.  The saying “that hits differently” applies here.  It all hits differently when it comes back around and you realize what the culprit was.  Once you get to the heart of the matter you can begin to heal and then you are able to move differently.  We have to start acknowledging our hurts, pains, disappointments, betrayals and mistreatments because if we don’t and it “hits differently” you may not come out on the right side of things.  We have to start using our voices (in a constructive non-confrontational way) to express how we feel, because holding it in, pushing it aside and being immune to it does not always work. This past Sunday my pastor spoke on “See Yourself Better.”  This was so spot on for me.  To see yourself better you have to have faith, acknowledging that what’s in front of you is just a challenge, but faith is what lies ahead of you.  Meaning, in the context of this post, that expressing yourself maybe a challenge but what lies ahead is your healing, you mending some relationships or even letting go of some relationships.  Don’t focus on the challenge but focus on Seeing Yourself Better; seeing yourself healed from hurt, pain, disappointments, betrayal and mistreatment.  Seeing yourself grow, mature and stepping out into your purpose.

Ever since my “ah ha” moment I have felt so free, clear, and happy.  All I had to do was shed some tears to clean my soul and get everything that was held hostage inside of me out. So I leave you with this SEE YOURSELF BETTER because I do!!!

I pray this helps someone. Until next time.

 

Not So

 

I have not posted on here in quite some time but something was said to me that had me reflecting on my life. I reflect often but this one was more purposeful. It solidified my belief that people see you, your life and life choices through a cracked mirror, trying to put together the pieces themselves instead of asking the one who holds the pieces.  If a person truly knows me, then they know that if you want to know something all you have to do is ask. My transparency is a new path for me, one that only started when I started to perform my poems and my life started to go in all kinds of directions. 

Like most people life didn’t turn out the way we had envisioned, I would be the first to say my life has been an adventure and as we all know adventures are not always fun and games.  I’ve made good choices and bad, but I can’t say that I regret them. Relationships for me have been shaky at best.  Growing up I never really had a solid foundation when it came to any type of relationship, I was always alone. My siblings were older and my parents worked all the time so I was always left to my own accord.  I never got into trouble, I was quiet and kept my feelings and emotions to myself.  I found out the hard way that you can’t confide in everyone and a lot of people have an angle.  So when I got older I stuck to what I knew, stay in the shadows.  For the most part I did, then unbeknownst to me at the time everything that I kept in as a child and young adult started to spill out.  When we become adults the things of our past knowingly and unknowingly play a part in life.  It is not until we acknowledge these things that they no longer play a part until then we walk a path that really wasn’t set out for us.  Along the way we learn things, taught lessons and learn a few lessons that help us on path we are meant to take. 

Now the meat of this transparency, I was told that I create toxic situations in my life so that I hide my vulnerability. Now at face value on the outside looking in I can truly understand why one would think that. But face value is not the sum of the cost. The nouns we encounter in life present challenges and some challenges are a lot more difficult than others.  At the early parts of my adulthood my choices were a response of my childhood, seeking, searching, and reaching for anything that would feel the void or give me what I never felt growing up, a sense of belonging and wanting to be wanted and loved.  Because of this I encountered people that were not good for my health.  It landed me in an abusive relationship that almost cost me my life. And from there my life spiraled out of control for a good while. I became mean, hard, and not caring who and what I hurt.  It wasn’t until I had another brush with life that sent me falling to my knees.  I cleaned up what parts of my life I could, started taking care of my mother, and learned a new craft that I love and enjoy and started living life a little differently.  This doesn’t mean life got easier or that relationships for me were easier, just mean they were different.  I can look back now at the age of 42 and say I was broken and the relationships I’ve had were with broken people and 2 broken people are not always a good fit and because of that I was presented with challenges.   These challenges were not all the same. I am a good student so as I was mending, fixing and throwing out the useless pieces of my brokenness I was learning more and more about myself and relationships. Once I learned a lesson I dare not repeat.  So the challenges I would encounter in my relationships were all different except 2 things remained the same. One being me and two brokenness.  I found that whatever part of my life I was trying to overcome (i.e lust, anger, forgiveness, hurt, pain, and betrayal) I would be in a relationship that would propel it.  Now if someone on the outside looking in is seeing all these challenges, trials, and mishaps they would conclude that one is toxic.  But when you understand the background, and the process that person had to go through in order to get to where they are today, it takes on a whole new meaning.  I can pin point every benchmark in my life with a person of whom I was in a relationship with. I believe one has to go through in order to come through. I also believe the life I am living is not only mine. My life story is to help others.  I refuse to allow someone who is trying to piece together my life and the choices I’ve made and the challenges I had been presented to view them as toxic me creating them. The very definition of toxic is very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way. I'm sorry I am none of those things. 

The other part of the statement was about being vulnerable.  Those that know me, know that I wear my heart on my sleeve (most of the time).  But life has a way of harden a person.  There was a time in my life I wouldn't let anyone in.  I had been burned a lot.  When I love and or care for someone I don't half step it.  In the past I would go all in very quickly (responding from childhood past) and lose myself in it all.  Now I have learned to slow walk it, but as I am now learning, it can come across as not opening myself up, not being vulnerable.  But here is the thing, I will only open up fully when the other person does the same.  Its one thing to be an open book, answer personal and non-personal questions about yourself.  Its another to give yourself over to someone.  To trust them with the thing you hold dear and close, YOUR HEART.  My life has been like a bank account, people always getting a withdrawal but never making a deposit.  So if me just giving out one bill at a time until the amount goes up is not enough then all I can say is NSF.  I have a lot of love inside me and I now know my value in life I will not settle for anything less than what I am willing to give.  I do have to confess that I am the type of person that does not like to leave should, coulda, woulda's in life, so I will do everything I can before I close the bank. This at times my cause other challenges, but when the bank is closed I don't have to worry about someone or something coming back to do an audit.  I tend to love on purpose and one has no choice but to be vulnerable when they do.

Until next time, thanks for reading and I hope this helped someone.