Not So

 

I have not posted on here in quite some time but something was said to me that had me reflecting on my life. I reflect often but this one was more purposeful. It solidified my belief that people see you, your life and life choices through a cracked mirror, trying to put together the pieces themselves instead of asking the one who holds the pieces.  If a person truly knows me, then they know that if you want to know something all you have to do is ask. My transparency is a new path for me, one that only started when I started to perform my poems and my life started to go in all kinds of directions. 

Like most people life didn’t turn out the way we had envisioned, I would be the first to say my life has been an adventure and as we all know adventures are not always fun and games.  I’ve made good choices and bad, but I can’t say that I regret them. Relationships for me have been shaky at best.  Growing up I never really had a solid foundation when it came to any type of relationship, I was always alone. My siblings were older and my parents worked all the time so I was always left to my own accord.  I never got into trouble, I was quiet and kept my feelings and emotions to myself.  I found out the hard way that you can’t confide in everyone and a lot of people have an angle.  So when I got older I stuck to what I knew, stay in the shadows.  For the most part I did, then unbeknownst to me at the time everything that I kept in as a child and young adult started to spill out.  When we become adults the things of our past knowingly and unknowingly play a part in life.  It is not until we acknowledge these things that they no longer play a part until then we walk a path that really wasn’t set out for us.  Along the way we learn things, taught lessons and learn a few lessons that help us on path we are meant to take. 

Now the meat of this transparency, I was told that I create toxic situations in my life so that I hide my vulnerability. Now at face value on the outside looking in I can truly understand why one would think that. But face value is not the sum of the cost. The nouns we encounter in life present challenges and some challenges are a lot more difficult than others.  At the early parts of my adulthood my choices were a response of my childhood, seeking, searching, and reaching for anything that would feel the void or give me what I never felt growing up, a sense of belonging and wanting to be wanted and loved.  Because of this I encountered people that were not good for my health.  It landed me in an abusive relationship that almost cost me my life. And from there my life spiraled out of control for a good while. I became mean, hard, and not caring who and what I hurt.  It wasn’t until I had another brush with life that sent me falling to my knees.  I cleaned up what parts of my life I could, started taking care of my mother, and learned a new craft that I love and enjoy and started living life a little differently.  This doesn’t mean life got easier or that relationships for me were easier, just mean they were different.  I can look back now at the age of 42 and say I was broken and the relationships I’ve had were with broken people and 2 broken people are not always a good fit and because of that I was presented with challenges.   These challenges were not all the same. I am a good student so as I was mending, fixing and throwing out the useless pieces of my brokenness I was learning more and more about myself and relationships. Once I learned a lesson I dare not repeat.  So the challenges I would encounter in my relationships were all different except 2 things remained the same. One being me and two brokenness.  I found that whatever part of my life I was trying to overcome (i.e lust, anger, forgiveness, hurt, pain, and betrayal) I would be in a relationship that would propel it.  Now if someone on the outside looking in is seeing all these challenges, trials, and mishaps they would conclude that one is toxic.  But when you understand the background, and the process that person had to go through in order to get to where they are today, it takes on a whole new meaning.  I can pin point every benchmark in my life with a person of whom I was in a relationship with. I believe one has to go through in order to come through. I also believe the life I am living is not only mine. My life story is to help others.  I refuse to allow someone who is trying to piece together my life and the choices I’ve made and the challenges I had been presented to view them as toxic me creating them. The very definition of toxic is very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way. I'm sorry I am none of those things. 

The other part of the statement was about being vulnerable.  Those that know me, know that I wear my heart on my sleeve (most of the time).  But life has a way of harden a person.  There was a time in my life I wouldn't let anyone in.  I had been burned a lot.  When I love and or care for someone I don't half step it.  In the past I would go all in very quickly (responding from childhood past) and lose myself in it all.  Now I have learned to slow walk it, but as I am now learning, it can come across as not opening myself up, not being vulnerable.  But here is the thing, I will only open up fully when the other person does the same.  Its one thing to be an open book, answer personal and non-personal questions about yourself.  Its another to give yourself over to someone.  To trust them with the thing you hold dear and close, YOUR HEART.  My life has been like a bank account, people always getting a withdrawal but never making a deposit.  So if me just giving out one bill at a time until the amount goes up is not enough then all I can say is NSF.  I have a lot of love inside me and I now know my value in life I will not settle for anything less than what I am willing to give.  I do have to confess that I am the type of person that does not like to leave should, coulda, woulda's in life, so I will do everything I can before I close the bank. This at times my cause other challenges, but when the bank is closed I don't have to worry about someone or something coming back to do an audit.  I tend to love on purpose and one has no choice but to be vulnerable when they do.

Until next time, thanks for reading and I hope this helped someone.