Blessed

Everyone has a story to tell, some stories have more trails then others but in the end everyone can relate someone can feel the pain. I'm a firm believer that life molds you, experiences shape you, that to live is to endure, to endure is to love and love is to forgive. The following is a snap shoot of a story I hope that it blesses you, encourage you and set's you free.

I have a story to tell, but where do I begin…I will start with the little girl within…victimized by loved ones raped by others…sitting in a corner trying not to be a bother…where was my mother, nowhere to be found…getting her money on running around town…that’s just a taste of what’s to be told, but here’s how the beginning of my story unfolds…unwanted in the womb, tried being killed with a broom, falling down a flight of stairs only raised my mother’s hairs…angry at the thought that I wouldn’t be forgotten…so down goes a coat she once worn to retrieve the hanger it was hung upon…unwanted to the point to resort to a rusty wire, lay up on a table and render oneself to abort  a baby…all efforts were at a lost that god not my mother was not the boss…a proud father to hear of me, but a sister that despised the thought of me…this is just at conception , I have yet to be born, but yet I am in the mist of a  storm…December 24 is the day I arrived, and the mist became a reality…I wasn’t this cute small little baby that everyone cooed over…I was fat and small…a little butterball…it was evident I wasn’t welcomed…my diapers were burned and my head was cut  open…I was just a baby and just hearing it was a little to much….I have a story to tell, but where do I begin…I will start with the little girl within…how does one trust when the family they love shows no love…its easy to become a victim when the ones you love victimize you, your Fat, your Ugly, your Dumb, your stupid…it starts to become part of your dna, your no longer surprised, your not as hurt and you start to believe they are right and then you just give up…you learn how to blend in, how to please people so that they would never have anything bad to say about you…but you start to realize that that doesn’t even work…so then you position yourself in a corner trying not to be a bother…so as I got older things begin to change…body start forming and men started confronting….then people started forming other names to call…you’re not good enough, your no good, you will never be anything, your only good for one thing…so the cycle begins again…but instead of become a victim I victimize…learned to use what I had to get what I wanted…in return making them no longer a lie but as the years went on it becomes truth….mean, angry, disrespectful, manipulative, evil….after the bad was done the evilness was returned…not knowing what self worth was and not knowing that I was more than enough….I aloud others to define in me what was enough…using what I had to get what I wanted and pleasing to aim and aiming to please….got me caught up in no sir please…beaten and bruised and stood accused by the man I loved…afraid to go home cause their was no home left…self inflicted, non-motivated, no confidence having continued to be abused 

Not good enough

Who wants you

Tear stained face, painted with pain engulfed with shame, riddled with disappointment, embalmed with discouragement, filled with hatred, in lined with hate, laced with lust, taunted with your not good enough, youth that was stolen, adult life that is being taken, sanity that is being stricken, mind that is being blown, saturated thoughts of persecution, haunted by the thoughts of being touched but needing sex to feel loved, trampled threw by men in efforts to begin again, robbed by no rules, raped because they needed something to do, now sexed crazed and can only deal and relieve stressed if they are being laid…being ravished by many and loved by no one. 

Hold on 

Don't give up

Don’t cry little girl, don’t cry for me, for god had kept me and he will keep you too.  They may have stolen our innocence,  God gave us strength, they may have ravished our bodies, God cleansed our soul, they may have called us dumb, god gave us knowledge to seek him, they may have said we will be nothing, god said we have a purpose and we are more then what man can see.  Life may have bound us, god has loosened the shackles.  When our minds where weary and lashed with the uncertainties, god settled our mind and had us to focus on him. When the clouds loom on us, god shined his light on us, when the storms where spinning around about us god parted the way and moved them and lead us on our way.

I heard a voice that blew in on a summer breeze that gingerly caressed my cheek, be not afraid for I am with you always, come to me if your weary and bearing a heavy burden I will give you rest, words swaying in the wind as it touched the heart and restores the soul, you may have falling short of the glory but get up and begin again, you may have sinned, but that doesn’t make you a sinner,  for I know what’s in your heart my good and faithful servant.  Come to me in love and I will show you love. Seek me first and I will show favor. When your down in out go to the rock, When your lonely  go to the rock, When your felt their was no end  go to the rock, When your all cried out go to the rock, The rock is your foundation, the rock is your salvation, and the rock is the beginning when you see no end. The rock is your shelter, the rock is where you seek love, for it does not judge, it sees me only in sprit

The purpose for your life and the desires of your heart are not always one in the same, but when they are one in the same and you find yourself heavy laden all you need to do is go to the rock.  For the rock is your salvation, it will hold you up when nothing else will. You can go to the rock when you need someone to talk to, when you shelter and when you need a friend.  Just go to God in prayer, go to a private place and commune with him in sprit and truth.  

See although I may not have stayed in his presence he never left me. I could have died, no longer on this earth, many,many times over. He showed favor in me. I started to grab hold of my passion to write, to embrace the gift the outlet he gave me to survive and to thrive.  I'm blessed even in the mist...i'm still blessed!!!!