Heavy

So for the past few months i've had a lot of time to think and talk to god.  Although i have not all ways been in his will, he has not forsaken me, and i'm blessed that he hasn't.  Many doors have been closed but just as many have closed, many have opened.  I am at a place in my life where I am seeking more, more from God and out of people. I am moving into my purpose in life and I don't have time or the mind to deal with people that do not have my back. I am cleaning out my software and deleting. In order for me to do so I have to become transparent, I have been but I need to be more. You see the more one becomes transparent the more they can heal and when you heal someone else can heal. The following is a piece called Heavy. Sometimes if not all the time we are weighted down by our own life experiences and everyday life. We feel heavy by our past, present and future, by our choices or lack there of. But what we must realize is that we are not living this life just for ourselves. You have a debt you owe and in order to pay that debt you have to go through, not only tell your story but give the steps as to how you over came. Its one thing to be a survivor and tell your story, its another to help and give step by step directions in how you did it...

There is no other way to know ones self then to know your strength and weaknesses.  

I am very good at hiding my feelings from people, I don’t ask for help when I need it, because in my experience when I have their were always some type of catch to it. So I’ve learned how to use what I have to get what I want.  I have formulated in my head that nothing in life is for free and because of that mind set it hasn’t been.  I have done a lot of things in my life but I regret none of them, because they have made me the person I am.  What I have done is let my past, how I grew up, what I missed out on, what I went through, how and what people thought of me effect and affect me.  It is difficult to change ones mind set.  Don’t get me wrong I feel and know that I am a strong, talented, creative, loving and capable of being loved women.  Even with me knowing all of that I still had a negative mind set, even with all I know about God and what he can and will do for me… 

Heavy

I was born for a purpose that I have yet to discover.  My story has been written and it is being told, I am at the beginning but the devil has seen it unfold.  I’m destined for greatness that he does not want me to see, I have stumbled and I have fallen but I have gotten back up for there is victory. I am only at the beginning and I want to see my end.  My story is still unfolding and I’m anxious to see the greatness I’m holding. The devil has me doubting but god says not without him. The devil has me believing I am weak but god says I’m strong;  My spirit is jumping for joy but my spirit man is standing still not wanting to move, harboring all the hurt and pain that has been built and dwelling in my own will. My heart is torn broken in two I’ve given it to my abuser, user, rapper, taker and fornicator , I know god is a meander, a healer and a provider, but it becomes difficult when your use to seeing a destroyer, an abuser and a taker...

...... 

My heart is heavy no room to breathe I’m crying out lord I need you,  for I’ve left nothing for myself but a piece that needs the lords help…but its sad to say that I’ve hidden it away, afraid to let it see the break of day… but god still see’s me…he has whispered in my ear, but I did not hear him for the path I had taken I was mistaken and did not hear the instructions he had given me…so I had given a piece of me away on that path I had taken that I was mistaken and did not hear the instructions my soul was saying…I got caught up in the two worlds in my head, negative verses positive, my storm is oneself, fighting through the hurt and pain that i never knew was still their but it is hidden deep down in my soul… My soul aches and yearns for something more…My hearts desire is to set my soul free, to abide in him and for him to abide in me… I want refuge; I no longer want to think I’m hidden…

……

My storm has been a long one and I’m just now getting what I need to learn, lean not to my own understanding, although I have done things on my own I am not alone, I have to allow people to help that want to help. I have to learn how to accept help and ask for it. I have to learn how to speak things as thou they were. That when I pray I have to die, I have to tell everything, not think it but say it.  I can’t be afraid to speak of what I’ve already done, because it has been forgotten.  I have to over come the feeling of failure when I need help.  God is doing a new thing in me, and I’m ready the devil is fighting me tooth and nail but I will win I will conquer for I have momentum…

We are all Heavy, but you have to remember you are not alone all you have to do is call on the one person who is always there when you need them God, he is willing to carry you, but are you ready to take you feet out of the sand?